Saturday, June 21, 2008

The Grass on the Other Side Keeps Changing Colors

So, as steadfast as I generally am, something's going on with me here lately, where none of the decisions I'm making are coming along with that pre-packaged feeling of "this is absolutely the right choice!" 

That's normal, I know, but I'm used to that feeling.

I know I want to live in England, but I'm starting to get really nervous about it, and found myself today even looking at barmaid jobs there, because I guess I'd decided that finding film work wasn't going to happen.  Now, even if I do find film work, it might not be a bad idea to do a few nights a week at a pub.  The hours are decent, and I have bar experience, so I don't know why this is freaking me out so much.

I even had a moment of panic during the first day of my move in with Jess.  I think that's just because I stupidly didn't go look at her house before the move, so I didn't mentally prepare myself for it.  I'm okay now (because I had a few days of mental prep), and we're finishing up the move tonight and tomorrow.  At least I learned something about myself, yeah?

So, right now there's this line between Orlando and London for me, and while no matter how my mood may swing, I know deep in my heart that staying here would be the worst thing ever, there are these moments at work, or with my friends, or staring at the hot guitar player, that I start to become concerned that I don't have enough time left here to wrap things up in a perfect little parting package. 

I think this may be due to the fact that, in the past, I've been completely miserable when it's time to move on - thus the reason why leaving Arcadia forever, and graduating UCF didn't make me all melancholy.  So, in theory, I should be pleased that I'm not leaving Orlando at a rapid pace to flee a giant mess of unpleasant, but I guess I'm just not used to walking away from things that aren't broken.

I really hope that this reflection won't bring down a flurry of negative self-fulfilled prophecy, since that's not what I want, or what I'm saying at all.  I just needed to get it out.  I think big life changes are scary, and as my manager said last night, in reference to me up and leaving for London for no other reason than because I want to, "who does that?"

1 comment:

Jesse said...

Who does that? How about people who are looking for more than being the manager of a night club?